Thursday, December 30, 2010

my world has been rocked, unnicely

everything i thought i knew about my relationship with thomas
is a lie
when we broke up i told him i'd be there for him
and being as closed as he was i thought it'd be nothing more than a few spiteful words tossed at me from afar
but he was awful
from barrading me about my new relationship, months after he already began perusing a new thing with another (quite androgynous)girl to saying that he had no interest in me from over a year ago he tried everything to hurt me it seemed
and it worked
he had my emotions screaming all over and i just kept swallowing it and taking it as him being upset and hurt
it turns out he was just putting up more walls still
after a particularly hurtful string of texts and a terrible conversation before hand (where after he down right insulted rodrigo unfoundedly i had to walk away before saying things i didn't mean)
thomas kept texting me a few nights ago and being verying shades of awful until finally i told him that he's used up my empathy and i am no longer going to try and help him, or even talk to him because all he does is throw it back in my face and try to tell me i'm sabotaging him or am being weird by being accepting of who he is or he just says i;m a liar, and a monster
so finally i've stuck to my resolve and ignored him
then, about 6 very long text massages later he told me he was gay
i should have guessed after how pissed off he was about my "no ass" request 
while i was busy judging myself in everyway possible
sobbing myself to sleep nightly
self worth in shambles
the whole reason he didn't want me is cause he wanted dudes
and the worst thing was at one point i was like wrecked self esteem wise and one of the things i asked him (in regards to why i pretty much had to rape him for sex) was if he was gay, and he was so offened he almost kicked me out of his house
(keep in mind i didn't just ask, it was after finding a trove of gay/traniporn and after several sexless months)
he even told me that the affore mentioned moment of pron discovery and julie self-shattering was when he should have left me, because i called him disgusting
i see now that its was his SHAME that disgusted me
his secretive shameful view of his sexuality and self tinted it in that light to me and when i stumbled upon it
with no other explanation from him
all i could do was be a ball or reaction
i'm pretty weirded out by the whole thing, i feel like i've been dooped and like i was his attempt to rub the gay out
after much pondering last night i've decided that if someone is so ashamed of themselves that they're willing to consistently hurt someone who loves them for two years then it's really sad and unfortunate
for THEM
all i ever did was be open and honest and loving to him
all i got was walls
and shame
and when i worked for it, and pryed it out of him like pulling teeth out of a mule on mdma
i got the tinest glimps of who he really was
other than that he was wearing the mask of who he thought i wanted
or was exhausted by pretending and couldn't help but be insensitive to my needs or emotions
how could you when you spend so much time and effort veiling yours?
this whole thing messes with me
so deeply
it's just kinda sent me into a huge tail spin reevaluating essentially every moment we had together and every look he's given to me and other guys, other girls, the other girls he's "liked" every little moment of weirdness with him i've been looking at through different eyes now
because i was hugely deceived fir a long time
i feel very fucked with
i feel very fucked up

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

because i can't learn fast enough

Si alguna vez la página podía recuperar el ojo
y meter el auto
cerebro como
a mi interior
yo todavía no podía abarcar la inmensidad
que es tu intelecto
el mundo perfecto de
mis amores mente

Si luché
durante años
para siempre
yo no tendría la streangth
para que me gusta hacer
Lo único que pido es que usted coloca
para mí, por su lado

Si en lugar de preguntarse
y había visto el mundo como lo han
había sido tan valiente
como del mundo
tan aventurero como usted
yo todavía nunca encontraría
un amor más perfecto.
una mente más inteligente.
una más que sorprendente.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Cowgary Reflections

While most people go home for Christmas, I've found myself in the home of my cousin, waiting for more family to arrive in drones expecting christmas to wash over me. but my hearts been progressively warmer, between shamb friends and the snow.

i miss rodrego
so much
but it hurts much less than when i missed thomas. its less dependent this time. i'm healthier this time. i'm loved for me, not for the way i love.
as person, he's all i want
as a lover, he's all i need
all i am with him is happy
i'm my best self, my full self, and he loves it
i love who he is too
SO funny
we have everything in common
he is the manly side of my coin, he fills my head and heart with rich moments
and i feel completely treasured
gaaaaaaaaaah i just want to be wrapped in him again
happy in his arms
in my womb