Colourful

How purple is your heart
how tender are you
how bruised
and who
has done the abusing

I am as obviously violet as I've invited anyone to infer
from the haze in my lungs
to my yarn ball locks
I'm living
I'm healing
I'm giving
I'm indigoing

My skin is sensitive like me,
to tickles and touches
to fondness and fuckery
but this poor purple hearts been placed
luckily
in hands as fuzzy
as my day time wonder-ponder-wanders

I'm in love with his radiation
with his air, his brain, his skin, his sex, his laugh, his touch, his spirit
and face.
His hansom body and face.
His deliberate and sincere manner has me transfixed
my world is more than rosy
it is as electrically pink as the sunsets we've imagined
onto the wall and windows
and other worlds

all these pretty perfects points,
and the addition of his purely honest love
have cumulated to a sum
greater than awe
something more equal to Borealis in august
when the sun still forgets what it should be doing and when
and my whole day
and night and life
are just colourful
wonderful

The reviewers eye sifts outward(1)

Georgie Fame And the birthday big band, LIVE- Energetic, ubbeat, and deliciously Jazzy Fame plays not only the songs you WANT to here (the ballad of bonnie and clyde, and the song that leaf me to him, Yeh Yeh!) but also covers standard big band tunes like Gershwins strike up the band. Not only up lifting, this album is pump upping. The sax man wails like no other, the Fame man himself croons on almost every track, but does invite a few notable guests to sing along. totally worth a listen, buy, rent, or even a pirate off the ole waves of the internets. just listen to the thing. fuck.
Robin Williams (the bong)- SO CUTE! it's Blue and make me Giggle, just like the regular fuzzier kind of Robin Williams. It's perfect for crystal rips, as it is tiny and smooth like zee behbeh bum. Best part? I bought it from a flea market, and even haggled the man. He was pretty nice and tried to sell me bigger bongs, but dang man, there was something beautiful and simple and perfect about Mr. Williams (the bong...though the man does indeed have his charms)
and Flic my Bic Lighters- While their cool and are a good easy way to recognize your lighter they're never one of a kind and are really just another device. I like them though, they're pretty cute. However, if you've got my bad habit of fidgeting and picking at plasticky stuff you're likely to peel it right off. Every time i buy a flicmybic i just want to go and paint my own lighters and encase them in a force field of clear tape. I did it a few times and it was so sweet, but i've givin all my paints away. I could maybe use paper and kinda make my own sticker kindof a deal
hmm
not bad brain
way to problem solve
bic company 0
artists 1
booyah

Missing

I miss my meximan!
going to bed without him beside me is disappointing for three reasons
i don't get to sex him
i don't get to touch him
and i don't get to wake up next to him
i want all of him all the time
but both of us are too calm to be desperate about our greed
well that at legality/distance/time are keeping us apart right now
the mother fucking dumb ass fuck twat of a government deported him
his student VISA was good, and is still good for six years, but his student PERMIT is only valid 3 months at a time
and it fucked shit up
thanks to bureaucratic bullcrap

this years ten

Every year at this time i write a list of ten things that i either want to happen, or that i think will happen
i have to go home before i can reveiw last years ten
but i think it was the least successful of them all
mostly cause europe was a bust
but i did manage to pull it off alright
this year is so drastically different than the last
already
its new and shiny at i am at peace not in turmoil with me
although
last night
a boy, his eyes, his vibes, and his brain, had me way to ensnared
we had an entire conversation with just our eyes
and i had to run away from him
in fear of losing what i have (and am far to excited about) with rodrigo
if he is meant to be a bigger part of my life, he will appear in it again, and then i can freak out and worry about my moral character or where my heart may or may not lay
if not, i have infanate happiness in the arms of rodrigo
but anyway
that ten of 2011

1. Write 20 new songs
2. Start writing short stories again
3. Paint a HUGE beautiful piece for the house
4. Graduate pastry school with flair, not mediocrity
5. Make WAY TOO MUCH money at 420, cookie wise
6. Get over thomas' bullshit
7. Start playing gigs in van
8. find out what i want to do with myself post-school, and do it, right
9. Fall more in love with rodrigo
10. Be happy

my world has been rocked, unnicely

everything i thought i knew about my relationship with thomas

is a lie

when we broke up i told him i'd be there for him

and being as closed as he was i thought it'd be nothing more than a few spiteful words tossed at me from afar

but he was awful

from barrading me about my new relationship, months after he already began perusing a new thing with another (quite androgynous)girl to saying that he had no interest in me from over a year ago he tried everything to hurt me it seemed

and it worked

he had my emotions screaming all over and i just kept swallowing it and taking it as him being upset and hurt

it turns out he was just putting up more walls still

after a particularly hurtful string of texts and a terrible conversation before hand (where after he down right insulted rodrigo unfoundedly i had to walk away before saying things i didn't mean)

thomas kept texting me a few nights ago and being verying shades of awful until finally i told him that he's used up my empathy and i am no longer going to try and help him, or even talk to him because all he does is throw it back in my face and try to tell me i'm sabotaging him or am being weird by being accepting of who he is or he just says i;m a liar, and a monster

so finally i've stuck to my resolve and ignored him

then, about 6 very long text massages later he told me he was gay

yep

i should have guessed after how pissed off he was about my "no ass" request 

while i was busy judging myself in everyway possible

sobbing myself to sleep nightly

self worth in shambles

the whole reason he didn't want me is cause he wanted dudes

and the worst thing was at one point i was like wrecked self esteem wise and one of the things i asked him (in regards to why i pretty much had to rape him for sex) was if he was gay, and he was so offened he almost kicked me out of his house

(keep in mind i didn't just ask, it was after finding a trove of gay/traniporn and after several sexless months)

he even told me that the affore mentioned moment of pron discovery and julie self-shattering was when he should have left me, because i called him disgusting

i see now that its was his SHAME that disgusted me

his secretive shameful view of his sexuality and self tinted it in that light to me and when i stumbled upon it

with no other explanation from him

all i could do was be a ball or reaction

i'm pretty weirded out by the whole thing, i feel like i've been dooped and like i was his attempt to rub the gay out

after much pondering last night i've decided that if someone is so ashamed of themselves that they're willing to consistently hurt someone who loves them for two years then it's really sad and unfortunate

for THEM

right?

all i ever did was be open and honest and loving to him

all i got was walls

and shame

and when i worked for it, and pryed it out of him like pulling teeth out of a mule on mdma

i got the tinest glimps of who he really was

other than that he was wearing the mask of who he thought i wanted

or was exhausted by pretending and couldn't help but be insensitive to my needs or emotions

how could you when you spend so much time and effort veiling yours?

this whole thing messes with me

so deeply

it's just kinda sent me into a huge tail spin reevaluating essentially every moment we had together and every look he's given to me and other guys, other girls, the other girls he's "liked" every little moment of weirdness with him i've been looking at through different eyes now

because i was hugely deceived fir a long time

i feel very fucked with

i feel very fucked up

because i can't learn fast enough

Si alguna vez la página podía recuperar el ojo

y meter el auto

cerebro como

a mi interior

yo todavía no podía abarcar la inmensidad

que es tu intelecto

el mundo perfecto de

mis amores mente

Si luché

durante años

para siempre

yo no tendría la streangth

para que me gusta hacer

Lo único que pido es que usted coloca

para mí, por su lado

Si en lugar de preguntarse

Vagué

y había visto el mundo como lo han

había sido tan valiente

como del mundo

tan aventurero como usted

yo todavía nunca encontraría

un amor más perfecto.

una mente más inteligente.

una más que sorprendente.

Cowgary Reflections

While most people go home for Christmas, I've found myself in the home of my cousin, waiting for more family to arrive in drones expecting christmas to wash over me. but my hearts been progressively warmer, between shamb friends and the snow.

i miss rodrego
so much
but it hurts much less than when i missed thomas. its less dependent this time. i'm healthier this time. i'm loved for me, not for the way i love.
as person, he's all i want
as a lover, he's all i need
all i am with him is happy
i'm my best self, my full self, and he loves it
i love who he is too
kind
strong
happy
loving
funny
SO funny
we have everything in common
he is the manly side of my coin, he fills my head and heart with rich moments
and i feel completely treasured
gaaaaaaaaaah i just want to be wrapped in him again
happy in his arms
in my womb
forever