rippin' the pain away

I've decided to give in to the pharmaceutical company.
that means i have to fill out a form for the nwt government telling them where i am
for how long
why
and find out just how to ask them
"what legal business did you guys have me doped up on when i was hurting back home?"
then go book a doctors appointment
then go to it
then talk more about my back
to another doctor
who knows nothing about me
other than what my file says
about what i was givin why for how long with what results
facts from other people
who "know best"
(not who know ME best, or know ME at all, even in spite of any number of true fact i dish out)
then at the end of all this
will give me narcotics
or muscle relacents
or anti inflamitories
or any combination
of all of the above
until i don't feel the pain eating me inside out
from all over
and under
and around my back
until even if i do feel some pain
i really just wont care anymore either way
so why does it matter
because
because i'd rather be mostly pain free and myself then numb and hazy and gone
if i had maybe an oz a day to consume i could self medicate to the point of awesome
if i had maybe an oz more faith in the system i'd be professionally medicated to the point of mediocrity and head down shyness.
Maybe i'll do what i did last time and save them for the bad days where i'd be bed ridden and non-functioning anyhow
days like today where even sitting typing this is pulling on parts of my spine i didn't even think could be so simply stimulated
i'm just a ball of sensitivity
in all parts of my life
if i were an organ or a body part
i'd be the clit
one insanely sensitive super friendly bundle of nerves and pleasure-release
yep thats clittle ole me
gaddang you can tell you're in the vagina monologues wheeen
also you can tell when you were raised on bugs bunny and pun driven cartoon diatribe when
sigh
i just hurt in such an unreachable unhappy back-centric place all the time
when it flairs up like this i get so angry that i'm not tough
i can stand everyday back pain but this isn't anything i can just streach out crack then ignore for eight hours till i can have my beautiful bong back in my arms
there is a 15 min window
post bong rip
and its a magical pain free place where i function and feel at the same time
but thanks in part to the law and in part to my wallet
i can never ever live there
only visit
and then go about with this real world thing
when i cut out pills six months ago i had so much cash
so much just from my own saving
that i was able to smoke to my hearts content
which was about an oz every two days
and you know what?
i noticed my back pain 15 times
15 times in 6 months
thats just NOTICING not even a flair up like this
and that was while i was back packing around canada for two months
i donno
i just think something is up, when i know what works for me
and what fucks me up
and the people in charge are handing me the ladder.