Sunday, October 31, 2010

I feel myself moving, now that i've moved

In moving away from yellowknife i was hoping to challenge and change myself
in travel that was the goal too
but i've only just started to feel the affects
this weekend, in a literal full body mask
(yay silver paint and jump suits)
i hid and was able to be myself in plain and full infront of everyone
and i was...kindof a hit
caitlyn drunked around the frist night and wrecked it
but the next i just had a good dance tastic time
would have stayed longer, but i ended up having to make a 40 min walk home alone in the dark and rainy big city
it was fine though, just a little cold.
Erich has been worrying me a bit though, all the mad cat and mousea few girls and mass ammounts of partying
i donno
i just know he doesn't listen to me cause i'm his little sister, but if i care, and i'm right, does that matter?
he's kindof...odd
i donno he needs to be right, and he needs to have the final word
if he could let things go more easily, his life would be smoother i think
i donno, he's like the tin man with a new heart
totally ready to give and love everything
(including cute girls)
(lets face it, there's a lot to love about cute girls)
but still a bit rusty on how to go about it
he means well though, like me
except replace my general retardation with a lack of tact..or maybe too much tact
SO much tact
i like real up front can't help but burst out laughing Erich
i wish lame ass cool people didn't intimidate us Hintz kids so much
it'd be helpful to both Erich and myself i think.

i think that i like Diana and Erich so much because they're SO stoked on life
like when you get them on a topic that they know about, let alone one they have any interest in,
they just brim over with excitement and they can't contain all the information
they just want it, in your brain, right now
so you can understand and talk to them about in full
to engage you in their passions
it's so sincere, i love it.
they're to of my favorite people to have conversations with actually. Just because they, like me, go quite in depth with the things they enjoy.
i donno, when i'm passionate about something
if someone brings it up i just gush
i have an uncontrollable need to share this love with them, i mean i think it's awesome
so should they!
thats probably another reason why i bake

diana erich and i thoguh...we just need to be our selfs, and not feel like we have to prove we are

Monday, October 25, 2010

Songs, acapella and rough as shit

this is the stuff i want people to take and mess with and see as my raw pure uncut voice
more stuff will be coming up in the next few days

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Takin it back

i'm taking it back
by it i mean myself
my soul
my passions
my free time
my money
my drive
and mostly Cunt
that's right, i'm taking back cunt
which is to say i'm doing the vagina monologues. I'm pretty pumped really.
i love acting, and this is the MOST outrageous thing i've ever done
plus, hot girls, chhhyeah. haha
I started doing my comic finally, i'm so pleased with myself, but i wich i was better at drawing realistically
it's hard to get the paneling right too, i should talk to adem about it more

My mom and gere visited this past week, also tomorrow, but man
do i miss them
i mean i don't miss them now, since they're here, but i will in a few short days.
those to ladies mean so much to me.

school has been delicious, in every sense of the word
i'm even making friends now!
which is great and not terribly hard.
i'm trying to meet someone to fill the void that thomas left when he stopped wanting me back last year
but everyone who approaches me that way is creepy, and everyone i feel like talking to makes me nervous. plus i'm awkward as all hell
i live in my head and while that works well on the internet
it's not so good in real life
i feel like a weird buzzing in my tummy randomly though, like i donno
i'm about to get a big intervention of fate.
but i've no idea what it is!

last night was the first workout class
so much of my ass was kicked, which is to say, all of it.
i had noooo idea how out of shape i am, but she did make someone puke once
i can't even imagine.

Friday, October 15, 2010

My Life

I find life is like music. 
with rhythmic movements, that stir all your iddy bits to feeling.
And some melodic moments,
so surreal its like making shapes of clouds and sand. 
It's got days as bright as brass bands, 
and nights as blue as steel string guitars.
Sometimes, its just about dancing.
Living is best when it's spontaneous, and free.
Most of all, when life is music, you're playin

Thursday, October 14, 2010


man i like a de buds the way rhyze lika dee sun
oh my god
the vape kills me though
i thought it was suposed to be better for me but
fuck man i donno.

ok so i'm single. i've started being more confronted with my loneliness and awkwardness so i try to make friends
but end up hit on, or feeling more awkward
i still think constantly of Thomas
but we've stopped talking everyday
it's a good first step into actually being myself again. i was so lost in love
and thats all fine and dandy
but i was in love with someone who didn't love ME
he loved, things about me, and things i did and some of my ways
but a few innately meish things disgusted him
and a few himerific qualities broke my heart
to the point that well...i really did have to give up.
3 final chances, and 2 second tries really is enough of gamble for someone my age
i'm just so so scared that no one as handsome as him will ever pursue me the way he did
that no love will never be that chivalrous and boytastic.

the city is full of weird newness. it's got enough green space for me to not feel smothered, but it's exciting enough and huge enough to really be a real city
i can't wait to show it off to jannell and jenny
i love those two
them and lydia are my hetro life mates
gere will always be my one unrequited love, cause i'm a pussy( and really like her with dan. it's a really good ying and yang thing, plus i respect the hell outta the guy)
but don't tell her that
(she knows)
She's the James dean of yellowknife and all the balls i'll ever need.
being her friend has made me brave, but it's also made me see the softer side of her
long enough not to just act on my girly crush and breach her personal boundaries
the few times i did/came close i felt guilty after, like i'd broken her trust.
besides, everything gets all weird when lust is added into interpersonal relationships
all my roommates like girls
i've probably been absorbing more of that energy than ever, and since gere cheered me up so much by visiting it's just brought me back to those memories, plus there's been some hilarious ass time with that mammajamma in my life.
i miss her a lot is all.

There are tons of beautiful people in the city. for the first time in my life i feel the need to be beautiful. i used to shrug off my unattractiveness and go about my day developing a bangin' personality/mind. Since being here though, everyday i meet beautiful, smart, thoughtful people. how can i compete! i try to work out but i'm lazy and terrible at keeping promises to myself.
i need to have someone to let down so i'll be motivated to succeed. Oh i totally did sign up  for a workout class, that's kinda great. it's a first step eitherway. plus everytime i dance i go at it so hard i feel it for days
that HAS to be worth something
i'm not fat by any stretch i just know i'm not hot, and i want to be, and working out generally gets you there.
I looked up workouts that shape you a certain way, instead of just blindly doing situps
and by shambhalah i should have smaller legs and no more lump on my tummy
thats all i want
my skin still sucks but i really don't care anymore so...pppfftt to anyone stuck up enough to care about that shit.
and fuck makeup
i hate makeup
i hate even more that i've started wearing it out.
i barely wear it, and its very bare bones type a stuff but it makes me less red
which is nice on a friday night when you're feeling inadequate with all the thoughtful beautiful people around.

i feel like i'm back in grade 10 and 11. like i've got the nothing everything too big for me feeling. i thought it would have gone away once i found out about the all but it's back
and i wonder what big moment it's Harolding.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

my biggest fear

that no one will ever take care of me, the way i take care of other people.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Bbbbbbbbongrip...AND GO

this is a free write, so i've no idea what will come out
ok, so 1..2...3
fuuuuck. the me inside myself is old. between the black lung and my bad back i think i'll be lucky to see 27 without a walker. Today has been rainy, both in my brain and in the out doors. I feel lame saying that but i basically mean that there's a layer of uncertanty over everything and its all just rolling on endlessly with humid sunniness just out of reach in soon to be/ just was.
in the sun though my mind is clear enough of stupid everyday human greyness to actually be bright.
In those moments my mind feels like it's on the edge of something
Some simple permanent truths that tickel my logical brain in they're unbreachable wisdom
but apeal to my whimsical side by coming out prose like- even before they're spoken
my thoughts, when in a happier clearer state of mind, are free to grow and swarm
to eb around my mind and breath life into the dustiest corners of my subconsious
i actually get inspired
i actually feel better, just as because of me.
it's a new thing for me- making my self happy.
it's neat
you should try it

However when i think in that grand bigger than my body way, i feel pretentious- only cause my thoughts come out as beautiful as the ideas that define them. i'm inclined to not believe them, because nothings that perfect.
(thats not true either though, the majority of my friends have shown me that there are nice/STUNNING/smart beings in exsistance)
still these ideas, so simple, and so personally resonant, fill me with such peace that i cannot let go of them.

little rules like:
Give- Anything not physically attached to you (and in the case of the kidney, or blood maybe still actually apart of you) can likely be of more use to someone else. unless it warms your heart when you hold or use this item- the joy it brings the recipient is worth the loss. Possessions foster possessiveness. Imagine the look on a stranger or friends face, when they find some thing they'd wanted or lost had been replaced.

Love- When there is someone to admire, respect, react to well, feel good about and around, and generally enjoy completely, there will never be enough to give. You'd deliver the world at a word. A kiss, a hug, hand holds, cuddles, sex, vows of devotion, words of love- wisely departing these precious acts on the deserving can rearrange oceans. can destroy years of emotion. can cause an explosion. from a glance on the street, to inseparable soul-mates, ONLY LOVE IS WORTH KEEPING

Play- music, games, jokes, tricks, with words and your food. If it cracks a smile and no (upset) tears are shed it's better let out!. it's better fun be kept up and about! fun matches the drapes, the counter tops and those shoes your wearing so keep at it! Moments of pure joy grow rare as more responsibilities are added to our lives. following bliss to other worlds, jungle gyms, or dance halls will keep your mind young and your heart alive. play tag with your inhibitions, catch them once in a while- and love them too, once you do

Be- Remember, you're not your body, you're a spirit. So just EXISTS every now and again. your mind can only expand as far as you'll let it. realize that you are everything, and anything is yours.

Always Seek Outward- Find the truth and all it's limited answers. Push to the edges of the known in anything that interests you. There is a reason for everything, especially your curiosities and talents. The universe is ever expanding, follow suit!

Always Seek Inward- You are everything. the key to the world is much in you and it is in the stars. unlock the mind and the all will follow.

Believe- Knowing that everything is all else, you now know the truth of self- and can tap into that harmony and change the world simply, directly.
Magik does not exists without manners.
If all of this is true than none of it matters.

hmmmm not too shabby..


best poem: Baby Thoughts

Innocent as I was, 
I used to tell people 
That I wanted to be a butterfly 
If I ever grew up. 
I think this aspiration still stands. 
But those embryonic thoughts 
Have left me pregnant, 
With ideas that I can grow 
Much more than wings and colour. 
I can spread further 
Than all the wishes I've revealed. 

Since the day I started to live 
I've been standing. 
Just not on my own yet. 
I know both my legs, 
Just not how to run. 

Truth shot through my heart and head: 
Straight through it. 
Made it hard. 
Weak about the knees 
I've easily outspoken 
All the lines I've since tried to open.

Friday, October 8, 2010

So it goes...

So this is a blog. a weBlog, I'm used to journals and books and stacks of paper as an outlet for thought, but I just love the internets to much to stay away any longer. I'm afraid of this becoming like a case of herpes, totally shameful and impossible to get rid of. But for now it's fun. ugh tottally IS herpes...I ASSUME. I've never HAD herpes...jussayin.
Slowly but surely (weekly at least) i will fill this blog, but unlike all the journals before it, i wont have to carry it everywhere or buy a new one once i'm "done" cause really, it wont ever be filled up. Anyhow, every week I'll post something, either an old journal entry or a story or a scanned drawing/comic and you will like it, and you will laugh and the whole thing will not be embarrassing or traced back to me. right? right
cept not, cause its the internet and google owns everything.
either way HI and thanks got welcoming me as a fall further in to the murky blogs.