my world has been rocked, unnicely

everything i thought i knew about my relationship with thomas

is a lie

when we broke up i told him i'd be there for him

and being as closed as he was i thought it'd be nothing more than a few spiteful words tossed at me from afar

but he was awful

from barrading me about my new relationship, months after he already began perusing a new thing with another (quite androgynous)girl to saying that he had no interest in me from over a year ago he tried everything to hurt me it seemed

and it worked

he had my emotions screaming all over and i just kept swallowing it and taking it as him being upset and hurt

it turns out he was just putting up more walls still

after a particularly hurtful string of texts and a terrible conversation before hand (where after he down right insulted rodrigo unfoundedly i had to walk away before saying things i didn't mean)

thomas kept texting me a few nights ago and being verying shades of awful until finally i told him that he's used up my empathy and i am no longer going to try and help him, or even talk to him because all he does is throw it back in my face and try to tell me i'm sabotaging him or am being weird by being accepting of who he is or he just says i;m a liar, and a monster

so finally i've stuck to my resolve and ignored him

then, about 6 very long text massages later he told me he was gay

yep

i should have guessed after how pissed off he was about my "no ass" request 

while i was busy judging myself in everyway possible

sobbing myself to sleep nightly

self worth in shambles

the whole reason he didn't want me is cause he wanted dudes

and the worst thing was at one point i was like wrecked self esteem wise and one of the things i asked him (in regards to why i pretty much had to rape him for sex) was if he was gay, and he was so offened he almost kicked me out of his house

(keep in mind i didn't just ask, it was after finding a trove of gay/traniporn and after several sexless months)

he even told me that the affore mentioned moment of pron discovery and julie self-shattering was when he should have left me, because i called him disgusting

i see now that its was his SHAME that disgusted me

his secretive shameful view of his sexuality and self tinted it in that light to me and when i stumbled upon it

with no other explanation from him

all i could do was be a ball or reaction

i'm pretty weirded out by the whole thing, i feel like i've been dooped and like i was his attempt to rub the gay out

after much pondering last night i've decided that if someone is so ashamed of themselves that they're willing to consistently hurt someone who loves them for two years then it's really sad and unfortunate

for THEM

right?

all i ever did was be open and honest and loving to him

all i got was walls

and shame

and when i worked for it, and pryed it out of him like pulling teeth out of a mule on mdma

i got the tinest glimps of who he really was

other than that he was wearing the mask of who he thought i wanted

or was exhausted by pretending and couldn't help but be insensitive to my needs or emotions

how could you when you spend so much time and effort veiling yours?

this whole thing messes with me

so deeply

it's just kinda sent me into a huge tail spin reevaluating essentially every moment we had together and every look he's given to me and other guys, other girls, the other girls he's "liked" every little moment of weirdness with him i've been looking at through different eyes now

because i was hugely deceived fir a long time

i feel very fucked with

i feel very fucked up

because i can't learn fast enough

Si alguna vez la página podía recuperar el ojo

y meter el auto

cerebro como

a mi interior

yo todavía no podía abarcar la inmensidad

que es tu intelecto

el mundo perfecto de

mis amores mente

Si luché

durante años

para siempre

yo no tendría la streangth

para que me gusta hacer

Lo único que pido es que usted coloca

para mí, por su lado

Si en lugar de preguntarse

Vagué

y había visto el mundo como lo han

había sido tan valiente

como del mundo

tan aventurero como usted

yo todavía nunca encontraría

un amor más perfecto.

una mente más inteligente.

una más que sorprendente.

Cowgary Reflections

While most people go home for Christmas, I've found myself in the home of my cousin, waiting for more family to arrive in drones expecting christmas to wash over me. but my hearts been progressively warmer, between shamb friends and the snow.

i miss rodrego
so much
but it hurts much less than when i missed thomas. its less dependent this time. i'm healthier this time. i'm loved for me, not for the way i love.
as person, he's all i want
as a lover, he's all i need
all i am with him is happy
i'm my best self, my full self, and he loves it
i love who he is too
kind
strong
happy
loving
funny
SO funny
we have everything in common
he is the manly side of my coin, he fills my head and heart with rich moments
and i feel completely treasured
gaaaaaaaaaah i just want to be wrapped in him again
happy in his arms
in my womb
forever

Shambhalah (aka bass warship worship)

It was a beautiful now.

A wow kind of moment.

The air, thick with thoughts and groovers,

disguised itself humidly

in the lungs of mass movers.

Vinyl folds and and vans as shacks

Whole lives carried on backs

Lovers with no future

Kids with no past

Lets writhe in crazed praise to the glorious stacks

all dedicated

never to last

We make masks into windows

in reveling we let our selfs bloom

minds sprouting beyond plumage and petals

far past all the places caressed by the moon

homes we were from once

We are people moved

Who have been tuned

hearts transfixed and gripped by the

BOOM

And we make waves

we make oceans of sweat

sweetly

as we misbehave.

We make love, and find love and mostly

we play.

Joyfully losing that real world,

it's hours and days and conventional ways,

We just drift

floating now in forever

into one another

and out the others.

oh and, for the record

i've completely fallen in love with a mexican
jussayin

rippin' the pain away

I've decided to give in to the pharmaceutical company.
that means i have to fill out a form for the nwt government telling them where i am
for how long
why
and find out just how to ask them
"what legal business did you guys have me doped up on when i was hurting back home?"
then go book a doctors appointment
then go to it
then talk more about my back
to another doctor
who knows nothing about me
other than what my file says
about what i was givin why for how long with what results
facts from other people
who "know best"
(not who know ME best, or know ME at all, even in spite of any number of true fact i dish out)
then at the end of all this
will give me narcotics
or muscle relacents
or anti inflamitories
or any combination
of all of the above
until i don't feel the pain eating me inside out
from all over
and under
and around my back
until even if i do feel some pain
i really just wont care anymore either way
so why does it matter
because
because i'd rather be mostly pain free and myself then numb and hazy and gone
if i had maybe an oz a day to consume i could self medicate to the point of awesome
if i had maybe an oz more faith in the system i'd be professionally medicated to the point of mediocrity and head down shyness.
Maybe i'll do what i did last time and save them for the bad days where i'd be bed ridden and non-functioning anyhow
days like today where even sitting typing this is pulling on parts of my spine i didn't even think could be so simply stimulated
i'm just a ball of sensitivity
in all parts of my life
if i were an organ or a body part
i'd be the clit
one insanely sensitive super friendly bundle of nerves and pleasure-release
yep thats clittle ole me
gaddang you can tell you're in the vagina monologues wheeen
also you can tell when you were raised on bugs bunny and pun driven cartoon diatribe when
sigh
i just hurt in such an unreachable unhappy back-centric place all the time
when it flairs up like this i get so angry that i'm not tough
i can stand everyday back pain but this isn't anything i can just streach out crack then ignore for eight hours till i can have my beautiful bong back in my arms
there is a 15 min window
post bong rip
and its a magical pain free place where i function and feel at the same time
but thanks in part to the law and in part to my wallet
i can never ever live there
only visit
and then go about with this real world thing
when i cut out pills six months ago i had so much cash
so much just from my own saving
that i was able to smoke to my hearts content
which was about an oz every two days
and you know what?
i noticed my back pain 15 times
15 times in 6 months
thats just NOTICING not even a flair up like this
and that was while i was back packing around canada for two months
i donno
i just think something is up, when i know what works for me
and what fucks me up
and the people in charge are handing me the ladder.

Womb (my own vagina monologue)

My vagina is a place in my chest.
The Womb Room
From within it
I am brimming,
Glowing with giving energy.
An out poor of love
dripping over my finger tips
until my once flowy attire
gives my means a more womanly end
by soaking and sticking to the curviest parts of my bends.

That's my first secret
I
Am
A Woman
Disspite all my efforts to push myself into the realm of
badass
of
Indipendant wild child
of
free as a bird loony loopy on grass
I am just a woman.
And inside that
Just an average little girl
with an all consuming need to care
and be cared for
GOD
to be really
taken
CARE of.

That would be secret number two.
My biggest, and only real fear
Is no one will ever love me the way I need
the way I love the people I'm near.

High standards
Low inhibitions
High as a kite
Low voice
High libido
Low confidence
A para dime
spinning endlessly through my ages
scratching my history out onto pages.

This almost leads to secret three.
No matter my contradictions
this combat boot and paisley persona
is held semi sane and together by a code.
Keeping me woman
Leading me to love
Bringing me to give and keep playing and existing in joy
Listen closely
as the code will not be repeated and should probably be headed
if you feel my company is needed.


Give-
Anything not physically attached to you (and in the case of the kidney, or blood maybe still actually apart of you) can likely be of more use to someone else. unless it warms your heart when you hold or use this item- the joy it brings the recipient is worth the loss. Possessions foster possessiveness. Imagine the look on a stranger or friends face, when they find some thing they'd wanted or lost had been replaced.

Love- When there is someone to admire, respect, who you react to well, feel good about and around, and generally enjoy completely, there will never be enough to give. You'd deliver the world. Love is a prismatic poly-rhythmic being. pulsing and shimmering like hearts caught in its mists. hands held in cozy mitts, tender kisses on cheeks or lips or playing with more naughty bits silly lines as poetic as this
is
love weather platonic or passionate it's the
ONLY THING WORTH KEEPING



Play- music, games, jokes, tricks, with words and your food. If it cracks a smile and no (upset) tears are shed it's better let out!. fun matches the drapes, the counter tops and those shoes your wearing so keep at it! Moments of pure joy grow rare as more responsibilities are added to our lives. following bliss to other worlds, jungle gyms, or dance halls will keep your mind young and your heart alive. play tag with your inhibitions, catch them once in a while- and love them too, once you do.



Be- Remember, you're not your body, you're a spirit. So just EXISTS every now and again. your mind can only expand as far as you'll let it. realize that you are everything, and anything is yours.



Always Seek Outward- Find the truth and all it's limited answers. Push to the edges of the known in anything that interests you. There is a reason for everything, especially your curiosities and talents. The universe is ever expanding, follow suit!



Always Seek Inward- You are everything. the key to the world is much in you and it is in the stars. unlock the mind and the all will follow.




Believe- Knowing that everything is all else, you now know the truth of self- and can tap into that harmony and change the world simply, directly.



This whimsical moral sripture

these three secrets

have turned me from a girl to a woman

my simple childish vagina
into this intangible womb
a cacoon
transforming and enhancing the few who coax their way inside
no matter my heart
loving
giving
broken
tattered
if all of this is true
then none of it matters


If all of this is true than none of it matters.

I feel myself moving, now that i've moved

In moving away from yellowknife i was hoping to challenge and change myself
in travel that was the goal too
but i've only just started to feel the affects
this weekend, in a literal full body mask
(yay silver paint and jump suits)
i hid and was able to be myself in plain and full infront of everyone
and i was...kindof a hit
caitlyn drunked around the frist night and wrecked it
but the next i just had a good dance tastic time
would have stayed longer, but i ended up having to make a 40 min walk home alone in the dark and rainy big city
it was fine though, just a little cold.
Erich has been worrying me a bit though, all the mad cat and mousea few girls and mass ammounts of partying
i donno
i just know he doesn't listen to me cause i'm his little sister, but if i care, and i'm right, does that matter?
he's kindof...odd
i donno he needs to be right, and he needs to have the final word
if he could let things go more easily, his life would be smoother i think
i donno, he's like the tin man with a new heart
totally ready to give and love everything
(including cute girls)
(lets face it, there's a lot to love about cute girls)
but still a bit rusty on how to go about it
he means well though, like me
except replace my general retardation with a lack of tact..or maybe too much tact
ya
SO much tact
i like real up front can't help but burst out laughing Erich
i wish lame ass cool people didn't intimidate us Hintz kids so much
it'd be helpful to both Erich and myself i think.

i think that i like Diana and Erich so much because they're SO stoked on life
like when you get them on a topic that they know about, let alone one they have any interest in,
they just brim over with excitement and they can't contain all the information
they just want it, in your brain, right now
so you can understand and talk to them about in full
to engage you in their passions
it's so sincere, i love it.
they're to of my favorite people to have conversations with actually. Just because they, like me, go quite in depth with the things they enjoy.
i donno, when i'm passionate about something
if someone brings it up i just gush
i have an uncontrollable need to share this love with them, i mean i think it's awesome
so should they!
thats probably another reason why i bake


diana erich and i thoguh...we just need to be our selfs, and not feel like we have to prove we are

Songs, acapella and rough as shit

this is the stuff i want people to take and mess with and see as my raw pure uncut voice
more stuff will be coming up in the next few days
enjoy
http://soundcloud.com/juliehintz91

Takin it back

i'm taking it back
by it i mean myself
my soul
my passions
my free time
my money
my drive
and mostly Cunt
that's right, i'm taking back cunt
which is to say i'm doing the vagina monologues. I'm pretty pumped really.
i love acting, and this is the MOST outrageous thing i've ever done
plus, hot girls, chhhyeah. haha
I started doing my comic finally, i'm so pleased with myself, but i wich i was better at drawing realistically
it's hard to get the paneling right too, i should talk to adem about it more

My mom and gere visited this past week, also tomorrow, but man
do i miss them
i mean i don't miss them now, since they're here, but i will in a few short days.
those to ladies mean so much to me.

school has been delicious, in every sense of the word
i'm even making friends now!
which is great and not terribly hard.
i'm trying to meet someone to fill the void that thomas left when he stopped wanting me back last year
but everyone who approaches me that way is creepy, and everyone i feel like talking to makes me nervous. plus i'm awkward as all hell
i live in my head and while that works well on the internet
it's not so good in real life
i feel like a weird buzzing in my tummy randomly though, like i donno
i'm about to get a big intervention of fate.
but i've no idea what it is!

last night was the first workout class
OH MY FUCK
so much of my ass was kicked, which is to say, all of it.
i had noooo idea how out of shape i am, but she did make someone puke once
i can't even imagine.
uuuugggah

My Life

I find life is like music. 
with rhythmic movements, that stir all your iddy bits to feeling.
And some melodic moments,
so surreal its like making shapes of clouds and sand. 
It's got days as bright as brass bands, 
and nights as blue as steel string guitars.
Sometimes, its just about dancing.
Living is best when it's spontaneous, and free.
Most of all, when life is music, you're playin

hackahshakhaCOughahcweezack

man i like a de buds the way rhyze lika dee sun
oh my god
the vape kills me though
i thought it was suposed to be better for me but
fuck man i donno.

ok so i'm single. i've started being more confronted with my loneliness and awkwardness so i try to make friends
but end up hit on, or feeling more awkward
i still think constantly of Thomas
but we've stopped talking everyday
it's a good first step into actually being myself again. i was so lost in love
and thats all fine and dandy
but i was in love with someone who didn't love ME
he loved, things about me, and things i did and some of my ways
but a few innately meish things disgusted him
and a few himerific qualities broke my heart
to the point that well...i really did have to give up.
3 final chances, and 2 second tries really is enough of gamble for someone my age
i'm just so so scared that no one as handsome as him will ever pursue me the way he did
that no love will never be that chivalrous and boytastic.

the city is full of weird newness. it's got enough green space for me to not feel smothered, but it's exciting enough and huge enough to really be a real city
i can't wait to show it off to jannell and jenny
i love those two
them and lydia are my hetro life mates
gere will always be my one unrequited love, cause i'm a pussy( and really like her with dan. it's a really good ying and yang thing, plus i respect the hell outta the guy)
but don't tell her that
(she knows)
She's the James dean of yellowknife and all the balls i'll ever need.
being her friend has made me brave, but it's also made me see the softer side of her
long enough not to just act on my girly crush and breach her personal boundaries
the few times i did/came close i felt guilty after, like i'd broken her trust.
besides, everything gets all weird when lust is added into interpersonal relationships
all my roommates like girls
i've probably been absorbing more of that energy than ever, and since gere cheered me up so much by visiting it's just brought me back to those memories, plus there's been some hilarious ass time with that mammajamma in my life.
i miss her a lot is all.

There are tons of beautiful people in the city. for the first time in my life i feel the need to be beautiful. i used to shrug off my unattractiveness and go about my day developing a bangin' personality/mind. Since being here though, everyday i meet beautiful, smart, thoughtful people. how can i compete! i try to work out but i'm lazy and terrible at keeping promises to myself.
i need to have someone to let down so i'll be motivated to succeed. Oh i totally did sign up  for a workout class, that's kinda great. it's a first step eitherway. plus everytime i dance i go at it so hard i feel it for days
that HAS to be worth something
i'm not fat by any stretch i just know i'm not hot, and i want to be, and working out generally gets you there.
I looked up workouts that shape you a certain way, instead of just blindly doing situps
and by shambhalah i should have smaller legs and no more lump on my tummy
thats all i want
my skin still sucks but i really don't care anymore so...pppfftt to anyone stuck up enough to care about that shit.
and fuck makeup
i hate makeup
i hate even more that i've started wearing it out.
i barely wear it, and its very bare bones type a stuff but it makes me less red
which is nice on a friday night when you're feeling inadequate with all the thoughtful beautiful people around.

i feel like i'm back in grade 10 and 11. like i've got the nothing everything too big for me feeling. i thought it would have gone away once i found out about the all but it's back
and i wonder what big moment it's Harolding.

my biggest fear

that no one will ever take care of me, the way i take care of other people.

musics

link1:

http://www.mediafire.com/?as45g4bcg374h50

 

link2:

http://fs07n4.sendspace.com/dl/5effcc2f1865202f7be9f9465349f668/4cac3642072b014d/eq5be3/Julie-Besart_Collab.zip

share wisely.

Bbbbbbbbongrip...AND GO

this is a free write, so i've no idea what will come out
ok, so 1..2...3
bongrip....
fuuuuck. the me inside myself is old. between the black lung and my bad back i think i'll be lucky to see 27 without a walker. Today has been rainy, both in my brain and in the out doors. I feel lame saying that but i basically mean that there's a layer of uncertanty over everything and its all just rolling on endlessly with humid sunniness just out of reach in soon to be/ just was.
in the sun though my mind is clear enough of stupid everyday human greyness to actually be bright.
In those moments my mind feels like it's on the edge of something
Some simple permanent truths that tickel my logical brain in they're unbreachable wisdom
but apeal to my whimsical side by coming out prose like- even before they're spoken
my thoughts, when in a happier clearer state of mind, are free to grow and swarm
to eb around my mind and breath life into the dustiest corners of my subconsious
i actually get inspired
i actually feel better, just as because of me.
it's a new thing for me- making my self happy.
it's neat
you should try it

However when i think in that grand bigger than my body way, i feel pretentious- only cause my thoughts come out as beautiful as the ideas that define them. i'm inclined to not believe them, because nothings that perfect.
(thats not true either though, the majority of my friends have shown me that there are nice/STUNNING/smart beings in exsistance)
still these ideas, so simple, and so personally resonant, fill me with such peace that i cannot let go of them.

little rules like:
Give- Anything not physically attached to you (and in the case of the kidney, or blood maybe still actually apart of you) can likely be of more use to someone else. unless it warms your heart when you hold or use this item- the joy it brings the recipient is worth the loss. Possessions foster possessiveness. Imagine the look on a stranger or friends face, when they find some thing they'd wanted or lost had been replaced.

Love- When there is someone to admire, respect, react to well, feel good about and around, and generally enjoy completely, there will never be enough to give. You'd deliver the world at a word. A kiss, a hug, hand holds, cuddles, sex, vows of devotion, words of love- wisely departing these precious acts on the deserving can rearrange oceans. can destroy years of emotion. can cause an explosion. from a glance on the street, to inseparable soul-mates, ONLY LOVE IS WORTH KEEPING

Play- music, games, jokes, tricks, with words and your food. If it cracks a smile and no (upset) tears are shed it's better let out!. it's better fun be kept up and about! fun matches the drapes, the counter tops and those shoes your wearing so keep at it! Moments of pure joy grow rare as more responsibilities are added to our lives. following bliss to other worlds, jungle gyms, or dance halls will keep your mind young and your heart alive. play tag with your inhibitions, catch them once in a while- and love them too, once you do

Be- Remember, you're not your body, you're a spirit. So just EXISTS every now and again. your mind can only expand as far as you'll let it. realize that you are everything, and anything is yours.

Always Seek Outward- Find the truth and all it's limited answers. Push to the edges of the known in anything that interests you. There is a reason for everything, especially your curiosities and talents. The universe is ever expanding, follow suit!

Always Seek Inward- You are everything. the key to the world is much in you and it is in the stars. unlock the mind and the all will follow.

Believe- Knowing that everything is all else, you now know the truth of self- and can tap into that harmony and change the world simply, directly.
Harmonize-Identify-Exchange-Recognize
Magik does not exists without manners.
Biblically-Simplicity-Scribbles-Scribture.
If all of this is true than none of it matters.



hmmmm not too shabby..


booongrip
coughcough
WINE AND CHEESE TIME

best poem: Baby Thoughts

Innocent as I was, 
I used to tell people 
That I wanted to be a butterfly 
If I ever grew up. 
I think this aspiration still stands. 
But those embryonic thoughts 
Have left me pregnant, 
With ideas that I can grow 
Much more than wings and colour. 
I can spread further 
Than all the wishes I've revealed. 

Since the day I started to live 
I've been standing. 
Just not on my own yet. 
I know both my legs, 
Just not how to run. 

Truth shot through my heart and head: 
Straight through it. 
Fluid 
Made it hard. 
Weak about the knees 
I've easily outspoken 
All the lines I've since tried to open.

So it goes...

So this is a blog. a weBlog, I'm used to journals and books and stacks of paper as an outlet for thought, but I just love the internets to much to stay away any longer. I'm afraid of this becoming like a case of herpes, totally shameful and impossible to get rid of. But for now it's fun. ugh tottally IS herpes...I ASSUME. I've never HAD herpes...jussayin.
Slowly but surely (weekly at least) i will fill this blog, but unlike all the journals before it, i wont have to carry it everywhere or buy a new one once i'm "done" cause really, it wont ever be filled up. Anyhow, every week I'll post something, either an old journal entry or a story or a scanned drawing/comic and you will like it, and you will laugh and the whole thing will not be embarrassing or traced back to me. right? right
cept not, cause its the internet and google owns everything.
either way HI and thanks got welcoming me as a fall further in to the murky blogs.