hackahshakhaCOughahcweezack

man i like a de buds the way rhyze lika dee sun
oh my god
the vape kills me though
i thought it was suposed to be better for me but
fuck man i donno.

ok so i'm single. i've started being more confronted with my loneliness and awkwardness so i try to make friends
but end up hit on, or feeling more awkward
i still think constantly of Thomas
but we've stopped talking everyday
it's a good first step into actually being myself again. i was so lost in love
and thats all fine and dandy
but i was in love with someone who didn't love ME
he loved, things about me, and things i did and some of my ways
but a few innately meish things disgusted him
and a few himerific qualities broke my heart
to the point that well...i really did have to give up.
3 final chances, and 2 second tries really is enough of gamble for someone my age
i'm just so so scared that no one as handsome as him will ever pursue me the way he did
that no love will never be that chivalrous and boytastic.

the city is full of weird newness. it's got enough green space for me to not feel smothered, but it's exciting enough and huge enough to really be a real city
i can't wait to show it off to jannell and jenny
i love those two
them and lydia are my hetro life mates
gere will always be my one unrequited love, cause i'm a pussy( and really like her with dan. it's a really good ying and yang thing, plus i respect the hell outta the guy)
but don't tell her that
(she knows)
She's the James dean of yellowknife and all the balls i'll ever need.
being her friend has made me brave, but it's also made me see the softer side of her
long enough not to just act on my girly crush and breach her personal boundaries
the few times i did/came close i felt guilty after, like i'd broken her trust.
besides, everything gets all weird when lust is added into interpersonal relationships
all my roommates like girls
i've probably been absorbing more of that energy than ever, and since gere cheered me up so much by visiting it's just brought me back to those memories, plus there's been some hilarious ass time with that mammajamma in my life.
i miss her a lot is all.

There are tons of beautiful people in the city. for the first time in my life i feel the need to be beautiful. i used to shrug off my unattractiveness and go about my day developing a bangin' personality/mind. Since being here though, everyday i meet beautiful, smart, thoughtful people. how can i compete! i try to work out but i'm lazy and terrible at keeping promises to myself.
i need to have someone to let down so i'll be motivated to succeed. Oh i totally did sign up  for a workout class, that's kinda great. it's a first step eitherway. plus everytime i dance i go at it so hard i feel it for days
that HAS to be worth something
i'm not fat by any stretch i just know i'm not hot, and i want to be, and working out generally gets you there.
I looked up workouts that shape you a certain way, instead of just blindly doing situps
and by shambhalah i should have smaller legs and no more lump on my tummy
thats all i want
my skin still sucks but i really don't care anymore so...pppfftt to anyone stuck up enough to care about that shit.
and fuck makeup
i hate makeup
i hate even more that i've started wearing it out.
i barely wear it, and its very bare bones type a stuff but it makes me less red
which is nice on a friday night when you're feeling inadequate with all the thoughtful beautiful people around.

i feel like i'm back in grade 10 and 11. like i've got the nothing everything too big for me feeling. i thought it would have gone away once i found out about the all but it's back
and i wonder what big moment it's Harolding.